My thoughts after the 6th session of disciple class

In all honesty, I never thought I would participate in disciple class, or even like this activity for that matter. Always thought it was the lamest thing to do but after going through 6 classes, I realised that those who come before me still possess the wisdom and spiritual maturity that I sorely lack. I am utterly grateful to Rev. Michael for his role as the facilitator of this class. He possesses a wealth of spiritual information and maturity that I do not have and we are about the same age (or him younger). Even my younger sisters are way ahead of me in terms of spiritually. Hardly doubt that I can ever be like them but I can try my hardest to rebuild my personal relationship with God. Two decades of catching up to do. Ultimately, I had come to the conclusion that no one will love me as much as God does. This is not said out of self-pity but out of the revelation that I had always ran away from emerging troubles and as a direct consequence, I was never adequately equipped, both emotionally AND spiritually. For the last 2 years, I was soul-searching in all the wrong places, with monetary items and never had I once found everlasting peace. Even now, there still exists an emotional turmoil, contained in a void inside me. Hopefully as I journey through DISCIPLE for 34 weeks, I'll be able to find peace that I so desperately seek. I yearn to be free of the spiritual and emotional bondage that had tormenting me for the last 2 years. The path currently trodden is by no means easy.

Rev. Michael said something incredibly profound in class today: that those who still believe in God or Gods are still okay but those who believe that they are themselves God are the most stubborn (even though they know deep down there is a God). Immediately, I knew the person whom Rev. Michael was referring to is none other than Sam. Unfortunately, I have my own spiritual journey to go through and I cannot drag him along with me. He's too heavy and I cannot bear this load on my own. Having said that, I do not know if God will or is willing to change him. I want to reach out to him but every time I attempted to, I become physically, mentally and emotionally debilitated. This echoed what Chloe had said to me when she was here - a white guy will destroy me one day. Ironically, the person who made me reassess my own spirituality was Sam. I had prayed to God to give me a break from WhatsApp for 2 weeks so I can fully concentrate on putting God first in my life after my illness. My flu was making me very sick and lethargic until reading chats from WhatsApp was draining me both physically and mentally. As a precaution, I have completely stopped checking WhatsApp. 2 weeks is almost up. I wonder if I should extend this out for another 2 more weeks as both my mind and my body is still not primed to put God first and I still can't tackle WhatsApp. Furthermore, I do not want to use WhatsApp as my main mode of communication with Sam and my other friends. Moving forward, Video calls or Voice calls will be the way to go.

On another note, I am still trying to re-organise my life in ways more than one - spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. Monumental task on its own and so little time. I will never know if I will ever be blessed enough to have a honorable marriage and children but all I know is I want these 2 things more than ever. However, I want to honor my parents on my own terms.

Regardless, I need rest in God. My body and my mind is tired from the throes of life.

Decisions decisions

Angie texted to ask if I would consider switching sides to Syneos. Quite frankly, I told her straight up that I’d only jump ship if there is an absolute guarantee that I can transfer to the UK or Europe. Having said that, I chanced upon a post on Facebook of someone in education who had managed to snag a job in Helsinki whilst being overseas. How about that?! She’s one lucky girl to be able to make it into Europe. For me, it’s harder than pulling teeth!! Never going to tell DW about it. He needs to move mountains for me.

Also, I was reading through articles on Tatler and it reminded me that upper middle or Upper class meet their significant other through introduction via mutual friends or within their social circle, not through dating apps which are for ppl who aren’t exactly the creme la creme. I knew all this and maybe I would flair better if I had listened or even considered the guys my parents had wanted for me. I could be married to a millionaire, with maids and money at my disposal but no, I had to be excruciatingly pigheaded and rebel. In my defense, the stress and pressure was making me sick and emotional. I’m going to be 37 and still unmarried. Even my cousin and Aunty are harping about finding someone to marry, stating that I’m too picky. But I don’t want just anyone. I want someone who has the same values, Christian, same brand of humour, at least upper middle class, normal, strives to improve himself, gentlemanly, romantic with a chivalrous sense of responsibility. In the physical aspect, he cannot be fat, born in the 1980s, healthy, non smoker and no AAA. Fair skinned. A real bonus if he’s not bald or balding and rich. Is it too much to ask?!

On another note, I have to go for COVID testing. Hope it’s nothing because having COVID would undeniably ruin things for me. However, I am awfully exhausted and this down time will do me good. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Finding my purpose(s) in life

I can't believe activities which used to make me happy or even provide me some extent of contentment, no longer gives me joy. I no longer enjoy watching movies, documentaries, and all the things I used to do. Still like vacationing but unlike before, it seems to have lost substantial meaning. Looking back, the last 2-3 years had been a rollercoaster of sorts: I've grown a lot, stopped growing my career, mellowed, embraced my femininity; even my priorities now significantly differ from the ones I used to have in the last decade. Before Claus, my career was my life. After him, I started to desire a different sort of life, but not with him. Never with him. And I'm glad I got out early because it would have ended extremely badly for me, in every sense of the word. Dad would have disowned and disherited me outright, for even being with Claus. Claus wasn't trustworthy nor was he honest, which brings me to Sean. He's not the one for me, either. Even though he potentially perfect as he has a large pool of resources to bring to the table. I cannot be with someone my parents chose for me. I simply cannot! Maybe it's still the defiant person in me, acting out in the most childish manner. I'm torn between honoring my parents' wishes and following my own intuition. COVID has somewhat been a blessing in disguise because if I were to visit my hometown in Sibu, my own dad would not recognise me, let alone my immediate relatives. I don't want to answer any questions. To be honest, the only reason I had even contemplated going to Sibu was to see everyone one last time before I make that huge leap of faith to migrate temporarily to Europe. Not only it did not happen, the path leading to Europe is riddled with potholes. I had always hated London, which is why I would never considered it in the past. The spice girls were the only exception. However if London is where I need to be, then I'll have to bite the bullet and go through with it. Never liked them pomps, the snobby attitude and the dreary weather. I much prefer the sunshine in Australia.

Nevertheless, I am seriously doubting myself tonight - if a part of me wanted to go to Europe due to someone. If I'm going to Europe primarily because of him, I refuse to do it. However, I had always wanted to further my career in Europe ever since Nina left for the UK back in 2014. On the upside, there is no one waiting in London for me, so a fresh start could be exactly what I need. And when I return to Australia, I will not leave anyone behind. Today, I had a long discussion with my LM about furthering my career in the UK/US/Canada, if it was entirely possible. Her answer is Yes. 100% doable. I have an option. Just not on the main European continent. Bugger!

6-course dinner with Mel at Wildflower, at The COMO Treasury State Building

Mel and I had underestimated tonight on how filling a 6-course tasting menu plus non-alcoholic beverage pairing can be. Nonetheless, it was worth every dime spent! Mel remarked that we must have secured the best seat in the restaurant as the view from the top was perfection!

I certainly prefer Wildflower over Hearth at the Ritz, for both ambience and quality of food. Hearth was great but I thought the desserts weren't as delightful as the ones at Wildflower, despite both restaurants predominantly focus on WA produce. The desserts at Wildflower weren't as overwhelmingly rich as those served at Hearth.

The pictures under this cut will definitely speak for themselves.

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AS Alexiel

Some people on Tenipuri LJ have no sense of appreciation at all...

Why do I even go back I honestly have no idea. Maybe I'm just bored. It was fun back then when Tenipuri LJ had all the members I used to know. And it was civil.

And now, the community have idiots that prefer to leech off generous people who shared and even have the cheek of asking for more, or even for better quality formats! Hey morons! It's because of you fuckers out there that most people on Tenipuri LJ won't give a shit about sharing anymore. And there's a thing called B-U-Y-I-N-G! If you can pay for internet to leech stuff off people, you can buy tenipuri!

On another note, I want to go to Japan with nickie_ng this March! T_T I have no social life.

And I hope EVERYONE'S WELL ON LJ! *hugs and kisses*
AS Lucifel

Pressure, pressure, pressure.....

The impossible just happened: The friend who was the least likely to get married just GOT MARRIED!

And I'm REALLY feeling the pressure of getting married! I knew there was a good reason I shouldn't go on facebook tonight.

On another note, Nat's coming to Perth! Yay!